Lindsay Lohan + Sam Ronson x Sex Toys = (Our) Vomit Everywhere
Lindsay Lohan, Sam Ronson, sex toys, dildo, disgusting, national enquirerWhen the list is finally produced covering the 'Things We Absolutely Do Not Want To Ever Know About, Ever', this will be right up there at the top.
Nobody needs to know that Sam Ronson has apparently bought Lindsay Lohan a big pile of sex toys for her birthday.
We didn't need to know, we didn't want to know and we feel a bit sick now. Which is why we had to tell you lot, so you can feel as ill as we do.
Yep - sick as a dog.
When looking through what there is in the world to report on we went through many reasonable stories - the ever-stunning Mickey Rourke fighting roadworks, the ongoing saga of Jordan and Peter Andre which we all care so deeply about or even the court appearance of the now-less-frightening Amy Winehouse.
But even though they were the better things to report on, we had let out eyes rest for too long on the news that Sam Ronson had allegedly bought her on-off-in-out-on-through-again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan a basket of dildos.
Sometimes we wish our eyes would just piss off and stop relaying information to our brain, just so we didn't know anything about this ever happening.
Even if it isn't true - it is from the reputed journal that is the National Enquirer, after all - it's still a sick enough thought to make us actually want to die. Or go on a killing spree. Probably more the second one, as hecklerspray values its own life over that of others.
As the Enquirer said with its evil, evil, eye-poisoning words:
"Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz - a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood's erotic emporiums for the items."
Going so far as to throw in a "buzz" pun makes it more sickening than we ever thought possible. We thought it was bad that the video of Michael Jackson's head exploding was released about thirty seconds after he'd died, but this is a new low.
We hope you're all happy now. In our pursuit for excellence, we've had to learn this information. To consider this thought. To think about Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan and a big pile of rubber tallywhackers.
We blame you, and only you for this.